Performer's instinct

I think I was drawn to acting by some inherent instinct I have towards performance. I remember being in kindergarten, and wanting to tell improvised stories I would make up to the class to try and entertain them. This, combined with a powerful sense of imagination and the desire to use it, is what ultimately drew me to this art form. I remember the first time I ever saw a live performance, it was in Davis California, it must have been my Mom's students performing at the local community theatre, I remember some vague science fiction theme and being utterly enchanted by the prospect of performing onstage. I imagined they were making it up, and deciding the situations, I immediately fantasized about being Batman.

I've always liked making people laugh, always. Shortly after seeing that play, my Mom signed me up for a program at the same community theatre, and I made my stage debut as a vain oak tree who refused to give shelter to a lost baby bird. Really sophisticated shit, I know, I was keeping it real as a four year old. That same instinct made me tell stories to my class, and to try and entertain people whenever possible. It always made me feel good. I think part of it was the sense of connection I felt. I wonder what would have happened if I'd continued performing as a little kid, doing children's theater and stuff like that, but instead I didn't do any performing until middle school when we put on an end of the year play, and I rediscovered it.

But I've always had that instinct to perform, to entertain. It's ironic now that in my craft as an actor, I'm actively trying, in a way, to subvert that instinct and move past it. My natural mode of performance is to "perform", to create the affectation of the character, to do things to entertain the audience, to sort of "mug" or "ham" but in own specific and refined way, where I don't think you can immediately tell. But I find that when I turn that off, and put my energy into authentically communicating and affecting the other person in the scene, that my acting becomes ten times better, I just have to flip that switch. It's hard sometimes though, when my acting teacher isn't there to say "that was good, but now do it this way" and I truly act from myself, and not from this instinct to create this other, performing entity, but from my own humanity to the humanity of the other person. I define acting for myself as the search for what is essentially human about every character I play, but I need to find that in myself, and bringing that to the stage, as much as is possible.

On a less heady note, a television program which I've been enjoying is Dual Survival on the Discovery Channel. Why? Because it's god damn entertaining. I used to be a fan of Man Vs Wild when it first came out, but after a while Bear Gryll's schtick became well, schticky, and then all that stuff came out about him staying in hotels and making up the gasses on a hawaiian island as being deadly poisonous. Not that I watch these kinds of shows thinking that there is a whole lot of "reality" in a "reality show" where a guy wanders through the wildnerness with helicopter shots, close ups, medium, and wide shots all over the place, I mean clearly a fairly sized crew is following him around and when he goes into that "cave" someone went first to make sure it lead somewhere, etc. But, I don't know, I just got bored with it. Dual Survival I continue to be entertained by, largely because of the personalities of the two hosts, one of which is gruff and rednecky, the other being this hippy dude "primitive technology" expert who never wears shoes, no matter where they trek out to, hilarity just ensues no matter what. If you haven't seen it, check it out, it's entertaining and somewhat informative, not that I'm planning on wandering out into the wilderness with a machete, a piece of flint, and a glass jar anytime soon.

Before signing off, I should mention I'm doing a show this weekend, and so far so good. I don't think I'm going to refer to productions by name in this space, unless I'm really specifically promoting something because I feel it needs promoting. I'm not promoting this particular project, because I doubt anyone will actually go and see it because they came here from a day old link on Facebook, etc.

Here is another poem from my collection.

I heard as a murmur ran across the curtain

The stage creaked and distant pipes clanged

A theatre recalling it's favorite production

Of Shakespeare's Scottish Play, felt it resonate

And with it, sensed the age of the place,

Saw ghosts emerge from the lighting rig

Filling the balcony above me, and these

Spirits of past productions inspire me

To take possession of the empty age

And act out my own remembrances

My fleeting moments of glory, as Hamlet and Lear

Once again, taking my turn with these famous words

Giving personification to the theatre, watching me,

Watching it.