Dealing with Disappointment (And remaining grateful)

So, I had an audition and was called back for a local educational Shakespeare theatre company this week. You know the one. For the callback, I was asked to prepare sides for Mercutio and Bottom, two of my dream roles. Normally in these situations, I've learned to distance myself from the possibility of being cast, but seeing as I really wanted the gig, and also to work with the director, someone I know and respect quite a lot, I didnt. I allowed myself to want it, to think about getting it and that maybe i could and would. I really tried to prep the sides as best as i could.

Of the sides, one was Queen Mab, which I actually mostly know having learned it for another audition at Stoneham, previously blogged about. So i tried to relearn it. In addition, we were given the first scene between Demitrius and Helena. But the thing that really took me was Bottom's Dream, and what a dream of a piece it is. 

I read Midsummer Night's Dream when I was in middle school and then saw it in the round at Northshore music theatre, as we would do with Romeo and Juliet the next year. It was my first real exposure to Shakespeare. I remember liking the production, and Puck in particular. I'd hadn't given much thought to Midsummer since, it's one of those plays everybody does that theatre people poo poo as being safe or redundant as a production choice. I always figured, being a comedic actor, I'd do Bottom sooner or later. I did all the clowns in Shakespeare plays in college and at one time sort of aspired to make them my bread and butter. Little did I know just what a role Bottom is, and realizing that sucked me down the rabbit hole of desire that often leads to disappointment. 

I don't often indulge myself that way, of really wanting something like that, unless it's something with someone I know pretty well and can count on getting something in, and even then I temper my expectations. Because disappointment is painful. We've all been tnere, it's nothing new. 

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I maybe focused too much on Bottom and not enough on the two person scene that i did first and which was really my audition. My scene partner was great, she played the role and attacked it with a lot of energy, which I responded to and we improvised all sorts of fun stuff, it was really cool. But who knows how good I actually was, I don't, and it doesn't really matter. What they needed were people to drive to schools and do stage combat (the shows were Midsummer, Macbeth and Romeo and Juliet, far amount of sword fighting), I have neither a car or stage combat experience, so there you go. I shouldn't say that, of course they needed talented people, and there were plenty of them at the callback to choose from (who did have cars and stage combat experience). After that reading, I was released and I basically knew what that meant. But another girl in that position asked to read her second piece and they let her. I'm sure it didnt matter in the long run but if nothing else I wanted to show someone my Bottom (haha I'd already gotten into the character!) so i asked to stay and read it. They were very kind in indulging me, and laughed politely and complimented the piece. I thought it was pretty funny, but who ever knows, and ultimately irrelevant.

No, not irrelevant, being defeatist about it doesn't accomplish anything. The optimistic rationalist in me, the voice of other people who maybe don't work in this business for example is saying "but maybe they saw something and will think of you for something else because of it" and yeah, maybe. And of course it didn't hurt. And it gave me something else to take away, another layer to the experience, in that I was at the audition and I did my best to get in the most auditioning while I was there and try out this piece I'd been working on. One of the auditioners even said, when I expressed my delight at discovering Bottom, "if nothing else you have a new audition piece". 

I found out from a friend at the callback, while waiting to do last night's performance of Vanya, that he'd gotten the role and my heart sunk. It was offficial. I tried not to wallow in my disappointment but it was with me through preshow and the first act. I think my castmates sensed it and tried to indirectly cheer me up which was very sweet of them. By the time of act 4, I was busy doing show stuff I have to, and feeling better. After a beer, a glass of wine and some cathartic guitar playing at the reception my spirits were feeling buyoed. Such is the power of music, theatre, and alcohol, right? Oh and of course, the most important of all, friendship.

And now its on to the next thing. I have an audition Monday, oh and three more weeks of Vanya to do. I thought of writing "to get through" but the show's such a pleasure to be a part of, get through what? Perform in a beautiful production of a play i love by my favorite writer ever with people I like and enjoy being around? To quote the Vanya, "what a rough deal. Where's the rough part?" And furthermore "to gratitude!" 

Times Flies When You're Busy Doing Stuff

OK, time to blog! And so much so far this week worth blogging about.

For one thing, I had a callback on Monday for Rosencratz and Guildenstern Are Dead. How'd it go? Pretty good! OK can I be honest? I feel a little weird blogging about it, because it was for Apollinaire and having worked there this past year I sort of know all those people and it feels weird blogging about our interactions because well, they might read it, right? That's the point of blogging, so people read what you write. So I do have more of a point of view then "pretty good", for example I could have prepared better. But, I was in the show, so I kind of know it. I guess I did have one epiphany worth sharing that I don't feel weird about. At the very end of the show, Rosencratz and Guildenstern realize they are going to die and they turn to the Player for answers. But, he doesn't have any for them. Guildenstern in a fit of rage, frustration and powerlessness, pulls the Player's own knife on him and threatens him with it, ultimately stabbing him (seemingly) to death. I was going over the side, trying to figure out "What does Guildenstern want and why?" and I realized it was purely vindictive, in the face of his own powerlessness he wants to feel more powerful than someone else, to take hold of some kind of control in the face of an absurd universe and the most available individual is the player. Now, maybe that's wrong, but that's what I was feeling in the audition. And I thought "man that's really heavy stuff, to be face to face with your own absurd, meaningless existence and imminent death, then to take that rage and vent into the most available human being by harming them". Now to be fair the player is kind of despicable. He prostitutes a young boy, literally. But I mean man, that's just so raw. And I don't think I was able to get that across. So probably I didn't get Guildenstern. We'll see. Whatever the case, much love to my Apollinaire peeps, I'll be back in the fall for our revival of Uncle Vanya.

Speaking of which, Uncle Vanya was nominated for three Eliot Norton awards!!! Outstanding fringe theatre production, outstanding direction in a small/fringe theatre and outstanding performance for my friend Ronald Lacey as Astrov. Man, does that feel good to say. All three feel good for different reasons. I'm super proud of and happy for Ron. I mean, he's my buddy, we were in this show together and now he's been nominated for this super prestigious award, how could I not be? And also of course the same goes for Danielle, who brought such a wonderful light touch to the material and really made the most of the space and the staging concept (and brought me in to begin with). And I feel a sense of pride in myself for being a part of it, I really feel like I'm part of our nomination for outstanding production... because hey I was part of that production! And in an integral way, obviously not more integral than anyone else, that's not what I mean. But if this had gone to a show where I was just a spear carrier, I wouldn't feel this way. I just feels great after the fact that I was included the way I was in the staging concept, with my guitar playing and then serving as the role of guide on the Serbeiakov (I totally butchered that spelling) estate. So yeah, super happy about that.

Fast forwarding to yesterday, that was quite eventful. I may not have mentioned it explicitly, but I'm not part of one of six one act plays premiering Friday, April 27th as part of Six Playwrights in Search of a Stage at Roxbury Repertory Theatre. The play I'm in is called The Apology and it's about incest! Sounds fun, right? It's actually a good challenge. On paper, it sort of looks like a Lifetime movie but reading it aloud it kind of feels like an echo of August: Osage County or something. And taking a very dramatically heightened situation like that, a son confronting his mother over the rape of his older sister by his older brother, trying to find an answer to the question "how could you let this happen?" and really grounding that, and trying to make it truthful and real... it's going to be a great acting challenge. And it's only 7 pages long, so that's a bonus. So far, the director and the actress playing my mother have been great. I'm really excited to dig into this piece.

After that was the second session of Auditioning for Film and Television with Carolyn Pickman over at CP Casting and I've already gotten my money's worth. I was looking over a side as a grocery clerk in a crime drama and I said to her "what do I do to nail this?" and she told me "look for the second choice, not the most obvious one, but the second one and do that". In this case, the most obvious choice was an "oh shit" reaction when the matriarch of a criminally connected family tries to give me a counterfeit bill. But instead, I played the first beat a little light "Oh, I'm sorry miss I can't take this" then when that doesn't work, "oh shit, what am I going to do" because the majority of auditioners are just going to be saying "oh shit" for the whole thing. If you can find that second beat though, you'll stand out. This fits with what Scott Zigler taught in Practical Aesthetics, find one tactic, then when it doesn't work, find a completely different one, and so on. So anyway, it's been great so far. I'll try to pepper in any more easily digestible nuggets as they come up.

Then after that, I played music with people for the first time in ages. Two thirty something dudes near where I live by Porter Square, and we just jammed on some blues and classic rock tunes. All Along The Watchtower, Sunny, Jammin, etc. And it was a good time. One of them plays rhythm guitar and sings, the other plays bass, so as a lead guitar kinda guy, I was a real good fit. And that felt great.

All in all, things are feeling good. Hey by the way, Crooked Arrows is being featured on Extra tomorrow, so check that out. Well, I know, it's Extra so I don't blame you if you don't. After it does, the official trailer will be released, so do check that. Until then, au revoir.