Dealing with Disappointment (And remaining grateful)

So, I had an audition and was called back for a local educational Shakespeare theatre company this week. You know the one. For the callback, I was asked to prepare sides for Mercutio and Bottom, two of my dream roles. Normally in these situations, I've learned to distance myself from the possibility of being cast, but seeing as I really wanted the gig, and also to work with the director, someone I know and respect quite a lot, I didnt. I allowed myself to want it, to think about getting it and that maybe i could and would. I really tried to prep the sides as best as i could.

Of the sides, one was Queen Mab, which I actually mostly know having learned it for another audition at Stoneham, previously blogged about. So i tried to relearn it. In addition, we were given the first scene between Demitrius and Helena. But the thing that really took me was Bottom's Dream, and what a dream of a piece it is. 

I read Midsummer Night's Dream when I was in middle school and then saw it in the round at Northshore music theatre, as we would do with Romeo and Juliet the next year. It was my first real exposure to Shakespeare. I remember liking the production, and Puck in particular. I'd hadn't given much thought to Midsummer since, it's one of those plays everybody does that theatre people poo poo as being safe or redundant as a production choice. I always figured, being a comedic actor, I'd do Bottom sooner or later. I did all the clowns in Shakespeare plays in college and at one time sort of aspired to make them my bread and butter. Little did I know just what a role Bottom is, and realizing that sucked me down the rabbit hole of desire that often leads to disappointment. 

I don't often indulge myself that way, of really wanting something like that, unless it's something with someone I know pretty well and can count on getting something in, and even then I temper my expectations. Because disappointment is painful. We've all been tnere, it's nothing new. 

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I maybe focused too much on Bottom and not enough on the two person scene that i did first and which was really my audition. My scene partner was great, she played the role and attacked it with a lot of energy, which I responded to and we improvised all sorts of fun stuff, it was really cool. But who knows how good I actually was, I don't, and it doesn't really matter. What they needed were people to drive to schools and do stage combat (the shows were Midsummer, Macbeth and Romeo and Juliet, far amount of sword fighting), I have neither a car or stage combat experience, so there you go. I shouldn't say that, of course they needed talented people, and there were plenty of them at the callback to choose from (who did have cars and stage combat experience). After that reading, I was released and I basically knew what that meant. But another girl in that position asked to read her second piece and they let her. I'm sure it didnt matter in the long run but if nothing else I wanted to show someone my Bottom (haha I'd already gotten into the character!) so i asked to stay and read it. They were very kind in indulging me, and laughed politely and complimented the piece. I thought it was pretty funny, but who ever knows, and ultimately irrelevant.

No, not irrelevant, being defeatist about it doesn't accomplish anything. The optimistic rationalist in me, the voice of other people who maybe don't work in this business for example is saying "but maybe they saw something and will think of you for something else because of it" and yeah, maybe. And of course it didn't hurt. And it gave me something else to take away, another layer to the experience, in that I was at the audition and I did my best to get in the most auditioning while I was there and try out this piece I'd been working on. One of the auditioners even said, when I expressed my delight at discovering Bottom, "if nothing else you have a new audition piece". 

I found out from a friend at the callback, while waiting to do last night's performance of Vanya, that he'd gotten the role and my heart sunk. It was offficial. I tried not to wallow in my disappointment but it was with me through preshow and the first act. I think my castmates sensed it and tried to indirectly cheer me up which was very sweet of them. By the time of act 4, I was busy doing show stuff I have to, and feeling better. After a beer, a glass of wine and some cathartic guitar playing at the reception my spirits were feeling buyoed. Such is the power of music, theatre, and alcohol, right? Oh and of course, the most important of all, friendship.

And now its on to the next thing. I have an audition Monday, oh and three more weeks of Vanya to do. I thought of writing "to get through" but the show's such a pleasure to be a part of, get through what? Perform in a beautiful production of a play i love by my favorite writer ever with people I like and enjoy being around? To quote the Vanya, "what a rough deal. Where's the rough part?" And furthermore "to gratitude!"