On Having The Problem

Since coming back from Shakespeare and Company, I've been writing a lot of letters to my fellow participants. Which, actually, has been incredibly helpful! Helpful in the way that I thought blogging would be helpful, but when I go to write in this space I'm inevitably dogged by intense feelings of judgement that what I'm writing is not worthy of the public sphere, or inadequately expresses what I'm feeling in the moment or does so in a way that makes me sound arrogant or pretentious.

That's one of the problems I'm having, and you know what I'm doing with them? Having them! If you'd been in Michael Toomey's Play aka Clown class you would know what I'm talking about. Essentially, the mantra as it relates to clown work is that if something is causing an issue for your clown, allow it to be there. If a fly is buzzing in your ears, don't swat the fly, that would be solving the problem. Instead, have the problem of the fly, and comedy/humanity/the things we want to see on stage will ensue.

One problem I find myself having is wanting to acknowledge and celebrate my instrument, by which I mean my acting by which I further mean that I'm a very talented actor, without becoming hubristic or arrogant. This is something that came up for me in the intensive, that I diminish myself unnecessarily to the point that it turns back on itself and becomes it's own kind of arrogance, does that sense? I guess in that to spare the feelings of others or perhaps avoid their judgement (probably it's the judgement) I diminish my own capabilities, and in the process let myself off the hook when I do a bad job. I thought about writing a note to one of my teachers, a particular instructor who shall go unnamed but who I observed did not seem to suffer from this particular problem. Then again, what do I know, it's totally possible that he does (I don't claim to know his problems), and maybe he came to a similar epiphany that I came to in that moment. Rather than finding a solution to the issue... have the problem! If I allow myself to celebrate my instrument, by way of perhaps declaring in this space, "I am a talented fucking actor" while being aware of the issue of becoming arrogant or hubristic as long as I'm aware of it that self awareness will prevent it from spiraling out of control.

Do you see? It all comes back to self awareness. Rather than ignoring my problems, or trying unnecessarily hard to find solutions to them (there may in fact be no solution) but by being aware of them then that is the half the battle in preventing them from controlling me. And by being aware of them, I hope they'll inhabit a manageable space in my life.

Take note! The above paragraph was written in the third person, BUT NO I AM SPEAKING FROM I! And hopefully, from awareness and from my problems inhabiting a manageable space in my life, solutions to the problems to which solutions exist will present themselves. Isn't that a nice thought? Well it sounds good to me, god damn it, hopefully it helps you too.

It really is funny how much letter writing has helped in this past week. Can you believe that I had the above epiphany not even by writing a letter, but with the thought of writing a letter which by the end of the thought, I had no need to write? It's true! In a sense, each of the letters I've written have become little private blog posts, which I had the idea of making public, by which I mean my own letters, none of the private responses of anyone else, no need to worry. But I think I've done pretty good with this piece of writing, and I'll allow that to be on hold until I feel the need to put something else into the universe.

Until then!

What NOT to say

Something I've been coming up against in the process of this blog has been the treatment of other people with respect to what I write. When we talk about our experiences, it's easy to generalize and say something like "when we do this, we feel this way" and by generalizing avoid part of the responsibility inherit in owning a statement and framing it from the first person, "I". In fact, I intentionally did so in that previous statement (in case you didn't notice) in order to prove that point. Think about the difference, "when we talk about our experiences" vs "when I talk about my experiences". At any given moment, I can only really truthfully speak of and from myself. And acting is all about speaking the truth.

Do you see what I did there? I really came face to face with this lesson from working with Jennie Israel first on Measure for Measure and then when I took her and Paula Plum's Shakespeare Workout (it's a good class, albeit expensive, but worth checking out).

Writing this blog has been an exercise in that principal. And also, learning from mistakes I made when I had a Livejournal back in high school. Back when I was 16 or 17 I related an anecdote online of someone I knew saying something nasty about someone else I knew, using the latter person's full name. So basically, I wrote "Person A called Person B (referred to by their full name) ugly, nasty and homophobic". This was years and years ago, I hadn't thought of the post or the incident involved in as much time, when Person B sent me a Facebook message. They were applying for a job, and part of that application involved an internet back ground search and when their name was googled, my post came up and could I please delete it as soon as possible. So I did, and reset my Livejournal account settings to where it wouldn't come up on Google as much, because actually I don't really want anybody reading that thing.

Part of my motive for doing this blog is a similar sort of archival project, having a record of where I'm at, what I'm experiencing, learning, etc, from moment to moment to reflect on later.

But where do the people with whom I'm working with enter in to that equation? The first thing I've been trying to avoid has been saying anything negative about anybody, even in the abstract, in case someone reads it and thinks I'm referring to them. In that project I haven't been completely successful. In my recent post about my Improv Asylum experience, I initially passed judgement on my fellow auditioners. After publishing the post, I thought back on it and thought better of it and deleted those sections. I also feel a little bad about my film student rant. I mean, christ they're just kids. I didn't think I got too down on them, and gave a sort of measured rant that in learning people do jobs for which they aren't necessarily suited and as actors doing student films we encounter those situations. But anyway I feel a little harsh. Not harsh enough to edit the post... well I'll probably go back and look at it after I finish this one.

But do you see what I mean? Likewise, I previously blogged about negative aspects of working with a certain group, and when I ran into someone who I worked with on that project they commented on it. Thinking about the implications, this got me a little paranoid. Who else read that? Probably other people associated with said group, how did they take it? Will they hold it against me?

This is also why I'm reluctant to write full blown reviews of shows I see. Since, you know, even if I go and see a show from Theatre X and it's not great in my estimation, I still might want to work with them down the line. I'm pretty much open to work with anybody at this point, especially if I think it might advance my art or (especially, let's be honest) my acting career.

You see, as an actor, you have to be career minded at least part of the time. You have to choose what roles you take. I don't think you should be selective about your auditions. I think that's a pitfall people fall into, they will only audition for something that "grabs" them whatever that means. Some of the most satisfying work I've done hasn't necessarily been something that grabbed me in the audition notice, but when I encountered the people and the material, neither of which I was familiar with, I was in. That's another tangent.

The point is, this blog is part of my career as well a personal effort. In this day and age, the internet is a powerful tool. Any creative person who isn't actively putting stuff out into the world in some form, videos, writing, music, art, whatever, is making a big mistake. Granted, there are millions of voices out there and the likelihood that your voice will be one to catch fire is one in a million. But hey, so are the chances that any of this will really make it big, right? So by going out and being an actor I have a one in a million chance of "making it". By doing this blog, now I'm two in a million. I just doubled my chances. And anything you can do to bring these gargantuan odds ever so slightly closer to your favor, you should do.

But don't do anything to hinder them, either! And if someone reads something you wrote that makes them think twice about hiring you... then shit. But the best art is also truthful. Truth is in speaking from the self and what you really feel. So what's the moral? Be careful what you feel? I don't know. But that is the line we walk. Let me rephrase that. This is the line I walk.