Something I've been coming up against in the process of this blog has been the treatment of other people with respect to what I write. When we talk about our experiences, it's easy to generalize and say something like "when we do this, we feel this way" and by generalizing avoid part of the responsibility inherit in owning a statement and framing it from the first person, "I". In fact, I intentionally did so in that previous statement (in case you didn't notice) in order to prove that point. Think about the difference, "when we talk about our experiences" vs "when I talk about my experiences". At any given moment, I can only really truthfully speak of and from myself. And acting is all about speaking the truth.
Do you see what I did there? I really came face to face with this lesson from working with Jennie Israel first on Measure for Measure and then when I took her and Paula Plum's Shakespeare Workout (it's a good class, albeit expensive, but worth checking out).
Writing this blog has been an exercise in that principal. And also, learning from mistakes I made when I had a Livejournal back in high school. Back when I was 16 or 17 I related an anecdote online of someone I knew saying something nasty about someone else I knew, using the latter person's full name. So basically, I wrote "Person A called Person B (referred to by their full name) ugly, nasty and homophobic". This was years and years ago, I hadn't thought of the post or the incident involved in as much time, when Person B sent me a Facebook message. They were applying for a job, and part of that application involved an internet back ground search and when their name was googled, my post came up and could I please delete it as soon as possible. So I did, and reset my Livejournal account settings to where it wouldn't come up on Google as much, because actually I don't really want anybody reading that thing.
Part of my motive for doing this blog is a similar sort of archival project, having a record of where I'm at, what I'm experiencing, learning, etc, from moment to moment to reflect on later.
But where do the people with whom I'm working with enter in to that equation? The first thing I've been trying to avoid has been saying anything negative about anybody, even in the abstract, in case someone reads it and thinks I'm referring to them. In that project I haven't been completely successful. In my recent post about my Improv Asylum experience, I initially passed judgement on my fellow auditioners. After publishing the post, I thought back on it and thought better of it and deleted those sections. I also feel a little bad about my film student rant. I mean, christ they're just kids. I didn't think I got too down on them, and gave a sort of measured rant that in learning people do jobs for which they aren't necessarily suited and as actors doing student films we encounter those situations. But anyway I feel a little harsh. Not harsh enough to edit the post... well I'll probably go back and look at it after I finish this one.
But do you see what I mean? Likewise, I previously blogged about negative aspects of working with a certain group, and when I ran into someone who I worked with on that project they commented on it. Thinking about the implications, this got me a little paranoid. Who else read that? Probably other people associated with said group, how did they take it? Will they hold it against me?
This is also why I'm reluctant to write full blown reviews of shows I see. Since, you know, even if I go and see a show from Theatre X and it's not great in my estimation, I still might want to work with them down the line. I'm pretty much open to work with anybody at this point, especially if I think it might advance my art or (especially, let's be honest) my acting career.
You see, as an actor, you have to be career minded at least part of the time. You have to choose what roles you take. I don't think you should be selective about your auditions. I think that's a pitfall people fall into, they will only audition for something that "grabs" them whatever that means. Some of the most satisfying work I've done hasn't necessarily been something that grabbed me in the audition notice, but when I encountered the people and the material, neither of which I was familiar with, I was in. That's another tangent.
The point is, this blog is part of my career as well a personal effort. In this day and age, the internet is a powerful tool. Any creative person who isn't actively putting stuff out into the world in some form, videos, writing, music, art, whatever, is making a big mistake. Granted, there are millions of voices out there and the likelihood that your voice will be one to catch fire is one in a million. But hey, so are the chances that any of this will really make it big, right? So by going out and being an actor I have a one in a million chance of "making it". By doing this blog, now I'm two in a million. I just doubled my chances. And anything you can do to bring these gargantuan odds ever so slightly closer to your favor, you should do.
But don't do anything to hinder them, either! And if someone reads something you wrote that makes them think twice about hiring you... then shit. But the best art is also truthful. Truth is in speaking from the self and what you really feel. So what's the moral? Be careful what you feel? I don't know. But that is the line we walk. Let me rephrase that. This is the line I walk.
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