Yesterday afternoon being driven back to Boston by my Mom after the 2013 month long intensive at Shakespeare and Company felt sort of like being released from a mental institution. Wait, hold on, that's not a very flattering image of the month long intensive. It felt like coming back from college for crazy people. Nope, that doesn't work either. I felt a little crazy, a little overstimulated both by exposure to the outside world after not having ventured outside of a mile radius from the Shakes and Co property and the knowledge of just how much outside world was waiting for me. When we got back to Cambridge, we went to our usual lunch spot after the extended drive, and I was immediately struck by the sensation of defensiveness and closed off-ness emanating from the other patrons in the restaurant.
A lot of the work I did at Shakespeare and Company had to do with allowing myself to be as fully present and open physically, mentally and emotionally as I can possibly be which I rediscovered can be very, very open. Practicing the Alexander Technique prior to going, I became conscious of this struggle in my own body, walking down the street leaving my apartment I would start out "aligned" and at my full height but after coming into contact with however many passer bys I would immediately find myself collapsed inward. I think this is partially true of Boston specifically, people are really closed to off each other here, particularly strangers on the street. A lot of what the instructors talked about prior to our departure from the program was that people in our lives might not react well to how open we'd be emotionally, but I think my real struggle will be remaining open mentally and physically not necessarily with my friends and family (whom it helps are all on board with my being an artist) but to the outside world who doesn't necessarily want to see me allowing my full physical presence and energy in their personal space.
So there's all that. I don't think it helped coming back to my apartment yesterday how incredibly sleep deprived I've been. I think maybe one night I was there I got something close to 8 hours of sleep, maybe 7.5, but I would average between 5 and 7 hours of sleep, with our intermittent days off being the worst of all when my internal alarm clock would wake me up at 7 AM like I had to be at an 8:15 class but I didn't and then I would be unable to get back to sleep on my rather uncomfortable bed in my weirdly shaped room which was directly next to the entryway to the dorm, so even if I could sleep I'd be woken up quite shortly. Yesterday lying in bed with my girlfriend, in my half asleep state I would sort of dream/hallucinate that I was still in physical awareness with a room full of people, dozing off between instructions on what part of my body to focus on as I allowed my breath to drop in.
I'm doing better this morning. I thought about going to see some theatre yesterday, but decided it was for the best if I stay in and chill out for the night. Today we have some fun stuff planned, there's a chocolate tasting event in Harvard Square, and tonight I'm finally seeing my friends in the Huntington's production of Our Town which they conveniently extended until I'd be back to see it.
I'm trying really hard not to just go on Facebook and look for people's pictures of themselves and each other at the intensive, or hanging out in New York, and just be present with this moment. Things which are helping, fresh, home made coffee. Playing my electric guitar. Playing an electric blues again, which like Shakespeare is flexible enough to contain any possible emotion in the human experience (that's another blog post). And my beautiful girlfriend, who last night made me a celebratory molten chocolate cake for my arrival.
I'd hoped to do more blogging while I was at the intensive, I was writing, but it was in my private journal. Maybe I'll share some of that with you, at some point. Or I'll try to process everything I saw and learned and experience from a place of digestion and reflection. Needless to say, more blog posts to come.
Also welcome to all my Shakes and Co friends who might be reading this! If you want to get a sense of my personal history, well here it is from the past year and a half or however long I've been doing this blog. And if you want to know where I'm at, here I am. Hello, goodbye, hello.
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