Chappy Channukah

I think Channukah is kind of weird but intriguingly post modern holiday but not in the way that it's become overly ironic which makes it both more entertaining and in other ways banal </thesis statement>.

I say this as a person who considers them self at least... I don't know, 25% culturally jewish and 50% genetically jewish. The genetics of course I have no control over, but the cultural stuff I do. At least to a greater degree, as they go hand in hand to a certain extent. Unless I wanted to change my last name from "Handelman" and get a perm to unjewfro my hair, some portion of the culture at large would realize "oh hey that guy, looks kinda jewey". But I also admire the civil right proponents, Allen Ginsbergs, Woody Allens and various other secular aspects of American jewish culture so I like maintaining some amount of cultural jewery that emphasizes those aspects while also not believing in God or supporting the state of Israel... or ever going to temple in my life (and of course then not having been barmitzved)... or circumcised... TMI?

OK! MOVING ON! Channukah has started. For you non jews out there, let me give you a brief history of the holiday, which is believe it or not, not especially significant in jewish religious practice or in the pantheon of jewish holidays. Channukah means "the festival of lights" and its significance to the old testament goes back to the Macabes when there was various religious strife with other non judaic groups in the region and there was this whole rebellion thing and they killed a bunch of people (this is the flow of the old testament, it's pretty dark and violent in places). Oh and then they wanted to relight the lights in the temple after taking it back from the heathens, but there wasn't enough oil, but instead it lasted longer, like eight days and it was a miracle of energy efficiency (or did someone just do a really good job of rationing their olive oil? Like when your making italian and your down to the bottom of the bottle and you can't get to the grocery store till the weekend, you make do).

In the latter half of the 20th century, primarily secular American jews of the middle class wanted to assert their post WWII American jewness and give their kids some presents around Christmas while also being jewish about it. This sort of goes in the face a little bit of jewish habits of assimilation with gentiles which took place over the thousands of years of history of jews in Europe when they weren't be killed or killing one another, but hey it's a new century and to these people getting in touch with their jewness with festive presents and latkes and chocolate coins and shit was important. And that's cool. I like those things. Especially up as a secular humanist, in my family we were into any kind of religious event that involved presents and food and stuff (this basically meant celebrating Channukah for a few nights maybe, then having Christmas and maying do a seder for Passover but also chocolate eggs on Easter but never any fasting or not eating leavening products because fuck that).

But thinking about it now... I don't know. It's all in good fun, but it feels kind of silly. I guess religious celebrations are inherently a little ridiculous, when you really stop and think about them. But they also give life and human civilization texture. Channukah though is basically Christmas-like replacement product for Jewish folks to enjoy, a Kosher winter solstice, if you will (without the pagan symbols or orgys or whatever... wait a minute I'm getting an idea for a mash up "everybody gather round the mistle toe and menora for the winter solstice fuck fest"). But, I mean, couldn't you just celebrate Christmas? Yeah OK jewish kid you get 8 days of presents but does anybody ever actually follow through and give out eight presents over eight sundowns and light all those fucking candles? Just pack it into one day, one glorious morning of tinsel and colorful paper and a new X-Box you know? Christmas is so far removed from Christianity, it's ridiculous. The whole way in which we celebrate it, with the Christmas tree and the feasting and shit, it's pretty inherently paganistic anyway. So I suggest we throw in the towel. And if you really want have a god damn menora, I guess.

*A note, this was meant to be my attempt at writing a humor piece while meditating on my relationship to my jewishness during this time of Channukah so don't get offended and let me know if you liked it*