Identifying Identity/Putting On My Podcast Hat

Getting back into the swing of blogging, here we go!

I think two factors have contributed to the drop off in how much I've been writing this past year, well three if you count Shakes and Co. But the first is, ironically I guess, Facebook. Someone I know posed the question over Facebook "do you consider Facebook status updates and tweets to be their own form of writing?" Which got me thinking why of course they are. Usually when I go to write a status update, which is at least once a day probably, I'm trying to think of how to phrase it in the pithiest, punchiest or most insightful way possible in as few words as it can be expressed. When I consider my own identity and the ways which I define myself, actor and musician come to mind, in that order but I've always struggled with allowing "writer" or at another time in my life "poet" into that equation. I think maybe it's because writers and poets are so frequently presented as caricatured figures, the idea of the pompous pseudo intellectual novelist or poet or whatever pops up a lot in popular culture to the extent that it's become a comedic archetype in our modern landscape of comedia dell arte types. And perhaps because of that representation I was always very hyper aware of being pompous or pretentious, and thought telling people "oh I'm a poet" or "oh I'm a writer" would somehow invoke that.

Additionally, I wonder if those same forces in culture make the act of creation in some sense problematic, I suppose combined with the proliferation of technology that made it very easy to print and share one's own work. Inevitably, this writer caricature tries to get the other characters in the world they inhabit to try and read their work and it's never any good and usually the butt of a joke.

Knowing what I do know, seeing this scene played out in film or television is pretty ironic because the people who make those things are writers themselves and no doubt would identify with that same caricature in the much the same way I am doing in this moment!

Where was I? This post was going to be about my podcast but it's become about identity. Also I feel a sense of vulnerability in telling people that I'm a creative person. This doesn't extend to my acting, which I've always felt very confident about for whatever reason or at least have learned to, but also it's much harder to "act" for someone in a coffee shop. It's much more feasible to say "I'm a writer, can I share some writing with you?" and then if they don't like it or it doesn't set them off or inspire some kind of praise in them, it feels like failing a little.

This feeds back into whatever need for approval loops I have that do whatever they do for me in making me create my art. And this all a big tangent to why I haven't been writing here so much!

Because Facebook makes for a very easy feedback and approval loop I find when it comes to creating things, specifically status updates. If I can write a really funny or affecting status update, people can "like" it or comment on it instantaneously and in the hours after I put something up I can see all the people who read it and liked it or whatever.

This requires much less effort and focus than writing a blog post and involves much more instant gratification!

Which is ironic because the other thing I've been pouring my energy into other than blogging has been my podcast, (The Mike Handelman Podcast, I keep trying to think of catchier names but then I've stuck with this one for this long) which takes hours of work or honestly however much work I feel like putting into it but if I'm motivated and able it can take hours and for all that probably the fewest people take the time to really give it a listen.

But that's assuming that the goal is page views or whatever, which it's not, it's to make things I'm proud of. At a certain point the snake starts swallowing it's own tail though, because you need to go from making things you like and would want to listen to into finding other people who like and want to listen to similar things and will do that enough that people will pay money to access those people such is the nature of entertainment and show business!

So I'm doing all this work with the mindset that someday I'll find a way or have an opportunity to bring this work to a larger audience and then on to some kind of sponsorship to at least make some pizza and beer money, which would be nice. And by continuing this work with dedication, every time I put out a new podcast, I'm making a slightly improved or more refined product.

Which has been the case! I've been at this for about a year now since my friend Jesse and I first got in a room with a microphone and we really have come a long way in our artistic partnership and in my skills as a producer and engineer, which is something to be excited about. I hope after you've finished this, maybe you'll check out the podcast. Even if it's not yet something you'd enjoy (it's hard for me to keep perspective on whether or not I even enjoy it, I listen to some so many times in editing them) someday soon it will evolve in a better version of the thing it already is, that you will want to listen to.

Do It Like It Matters (Until It Actually Does)

Here's a profound thought for the day. I haven't been writing as much in this blog, because I've been putting more of my energy into my joint podcasting and musical effort with my podcasting/music partner Jesse, which has not only been consuming the energy I'd been putting into writing when I was writing in this more or less weekly (times when I'd be writing I'm instead editing audio, for example) and in the process it's been fulfilling my need to be creative in a comparable way to how this blog has in the past. Also, probably because I haven't really been acting except for a few small readings and a little film shoot, and I mainly blog about acting stuff, therefore not much to blog about.

But here's something. Often on the subject of consistently releasing new podcasts, which I try to do every Sunday and have been pretty consistent at doing (with the exception of this Sunday, which is a more complicated issue) either Jesse or I will say "oh but it doesn't really matter". And in a very literal sense this is true. According to the statistics on Buzzsprout, the website that I'm using to host podcasts (for the time being) the average number of plays for a given episode is 14, with episode 4 having been played 21 times, and episode 8 having been played 8 times and the other ones existing in a spectrum in between. This is to be expected, since I haven't gone any lengths to expose my efforts to the outside world except through my social media network and given the weird, misunderstood, nichey nature of podcasts it's even more expected and who's going to Buzzsprout for podcasts? People go to iTunes, and we're not even on there, so basically I'm the only person in the universe with an investment in a new podcast being released to the internet every Sunday.

Except, as the proprietor and creator of this product that's exactly as it should be at this moment. And I should continue to be invested in maintaining that strict schedule because if I ever want to court a wider audience, and eventually that would be nice, I need to maintain that dedication throughout the time period in which it matters to no one else until eventually it does matter.

And this is the way to success in any creative field, through sheer tenacity and not giving up. Because when you start acting, or painting, or making music or whatever of course no one's going to care when you start and probably they shouldn't because you won't be very good. You have to care though, and no matter how long it takes for other people to care enough to give you money for what your doing (if that is your goal) you just have to keep going until that happens. Ya dig?

Well anyway, I do, and it really summarizes where I'm at with this podcast thing right now. Sure only eight people have clicked on my latest podcast, but in many respects it's improved on what we'd done before and hopefully the next one will have improved on that and so on and so fourth until eventually hopefully if we've been doing it long enough someone will start to notice. Or at least I have to tell myself that, and in the meantime just take as much satisfaction as I can from the work itself.

The end. Of this blog post, but not this blog! In fact, I'll be taking a forced hiatus from the podcast during the month of January while I'm doing the January intensive at Shakespeare and Company, so look out for blog posts then, I hope! Assuming I have the energy or focus after all the intense Shakespeare boot camp stuff I'll be doing.